How Do They Do That?

Days turn into weeks, and weeks into months, and just like that- life keeps coming. It’s hard to believe we hit the 5 month mark of marriage. And although I know I pray it is only the beginning of many, many more to come, it is hard to believe we’ve spent 150 days under the same roof.

It is funny how fast something becomes a memory. This past weekend, as we picked up some developed wedding photos, and looked at them longingly- recalling the day we promised to love each other forever- we both agreed that it is incredible how fast that day becomes just a fading memory. The plans, the dreams, the every detail a focus of your life for months on end, all too soon become just a glinting memory.

Yet, as we’ve gone through our short marriage life together, we have found ourselves continually hoping and praying that our marriage, our friendship, our love will never become a faded memory. We see couples at the restaurant, or in the grocery store, or on t.v. who have become distant memories to each other. They are simply going about their daily lives, just existing with one another, as though each of them are faded memories. And we find ourselves glancing at each other, with tears welled in our eyes, simultaneously thinking "that will never be us. that can never be us.” And then I think to myself, with quite certainty, that each and every couple that has made vows to one another, that has bound themselves to one another in love, that has promised forever, at one point thought the same thing “that will never be us.”

In this crazy, busy, too-many-distractions, too-many-temptations, never-enough-time world, what will cause two people to fall deeper and deeper in love over the course of their life? What must two people strive for to achieve that giddiness-until-the-end love that, at one point, we all pray is us?

There is no formula. No magic card you can choose. No prescription medicine you can take. And I’m quite certain that the answer wouldn’t be the same for each couple, but there are a few things that I’ve witnessed in each of the happy-at-80 couples I’ve seen in my life, these things I want to try to emulate in my own life so that, God willing, I can be blessed with the same blessing.

1. Pray. Pray for your spouse, daily. Pray for yourself and your ability to be a good spouse, daily. Read what God has to say about being a spouse. Pray that those who are influences in your life, and those who are influences in your spouse’s life will encourage each of you to be great lovers. Pray for forgiveness, pray in pain and suffering, pray thanksgiving to God.

2. Admire. Admire the person God created your spouse to be. Admire their talents, admire their strengths, even admire the areas in which they fall short- admire them for trying to be better. Look at your spouse through the rose-colored glasses you saw them through in your dating years, and never stop admiring them.

3. Forgive. Forgive for the small things- like when your spouse continually squeezes from the middle of the toothpaste, and forgive for the biggest, worst possible things you can think of. And when you have a hard time forgiving, refer to #1 and ask God to help you forgive.

4. Take Notice. When your spouse is going out of his or her way to do something for you, take notice of it, and verbalize your appreciation. If you have clean sheets on a made bed every Sunday night, take notice and appreciate it. If you have coffee made every morning when you wake up, take notice and appreciate that. If the kids are always dressed and ready to go at 7:21 a.m. because that’s when you need to leave the house, take notice of that, and appreciate it. The everyday routine matters can become hard to appreciate, try your best to continually be appreciative.

5. Say ‘Thank You’ and ‘I’m Sorry’. More than you think you need to. See number 4 for the reasons you might be thankful. Thank your spouse frequently and without ceasing. And apologize, even if it wasn’t your fault.

6. Have Fun. Be Spontaneous. Follow Dreams. Do things together that you both love doing. Do crazy things that the rest of the world thinks are downright stupid. Follow each and every single dream, no matter how unattainable it may seem. And laugh together, everyday.

7. Be Transparent and Truthful. Don’t hide anything. Ever. No matter how silly or stupid or ridiculous or awful it is, do not hide it. Be bold, be honest and be courageous in telling the truth. Be transparent with how you’re feeling. If you’re jealous, say it. If you’re sad, tell them. If you’re having a bad day, and you’re crabby and all you want to do is cry, that’s okay- but make it known to your spouse so you can be a team, together.

8. See The Good. Find something great about your spouse everyday. This will be very, very difficult some days, and surprisingly easy other days. Whether it is the former or the latter, make it a point to find something incredible about your spouse everyday. And even better, write it down and keep it somewhere for them. This jar may come in handy during a rainy season.

9. Speaking of Which… Rainy seasons will happen. Share an umbrella, hold onto it together, and brave that storm while keeping your eyes on the horizon for the first signs of a rainbow.

10. Enjoy Life. The best thing that could possibly happen to you is, every single night of your life, you would have a nightmare that your spouse passed away. This seems downright crazy to say, however, waking up from that realistic nightmare of coping the loss of your best friend makes you realize that you are living a fragile, uncertain life, and the moments you are given are truly gifts.

When we’re 90, I want to look back on our life together and I want to say ‘that was a life that was truly lived’